Querido Epic Review Part 4: Mystica Take the Wheel

In the last episode of our Querido Epic Review, we saw the movie reach levels of action and drama so intense that it burned the sun. Yes, a G2V type star was burned by the intensity of this movie. What lies in store for our cast of characters? What happened to Spicy Facebook? And how will this work of pure genius end???

Part 4 kicks off running as Mystica confronts one of her lackeys. It seems that the distribution of the sex tape was not Mystica's fault and he was the one that introduced her to the reporter dude (aka the dude that was also flirting with Mystica in an earlier part to get her sex video information from her computer, a dude she rebuffed for not being gentlemanly enough.)

She confronts her aforementioned lackey, her photographer, her videographer and her driver, who seems mildly amused by the fact that he's acting in Mystica's epic film:

hi mom, I'm in a movie hehehe

Now she tells that that she trusted all of them with the sex tape, and that it can only have come from one of them. Now I can imagine that Mystica would trust her photographer and her videographer with this information. since they were the ones who probably shot the whole thing. Maybe I can even believe her confiding in her talent about the shoot. But her DRIVER!? Why would anyone in their right mind give out information regarding their secret sex tape to their driver!?

Of course, all of them deny ever distributing the tape, but Mystica's detective skills see through this and she tells them that she's been seeing these guys together and they're up to no good. Videographer guy tells Mystica that it couldn't have been him since his computer is secure. I'm betting he's not yet aware of hackers and password cracking or any of that advanced mumbo jumbo.

Lackey then confronts videographer dude and they get into a tizzy, with this weird awkward cutaway to the driver doing something with his hands:

it's a cut made for no reason whatsoever.

and naturally this devolves into a fistfight, right in front of Mystica.

"Stop doing that thing with your hands!"

We'd expect that this scene would show them making up, or being escorted out by Mystica's other talents, but that's not to be. Instead, it cuts to Mystica's other talents eating... then meeting these four on the street. Being the protective talents that they are, they accost Mystica's videographer, photographer, talent and driver, at gunpoint (!!!!!) and steal the CD containing the sex tape.

no calling the police or anything, either. Just straight up ass kicking.

Three of the four go back to news reporter guy, proving Mystica right that they really WERE in on distributing the sex tape. Bruised and bloodied, they could have filed a report with the police or something, but again that's not the case. News reporter guy berates them for not getting the CD with the sex tape details, as it's set to be shown in a few days and it's his ass on the line if he doesn't show anything. He swears that he'll drag these poor guys down with him to hell if that video doesn't get shown.

We now cut to Red, Mystica's biological son who, in the last part, knocked up his girlfriend. He's now working at a gas station and the adjacent Burger Machine (!) and earning some cash for his family.

I'm honestly surprised these are still around.

One of the customers asks him why he's working here as he's handsome and can get a career as a someone else. One of the other customers seems to recognize him and he denies it. He goes to ANOTHER job serving customers in a small restaurant and it's evident that this guy REALLY took Mystica's advice to heart. He comes home, understandably tired, and he gets into a fight with his girlfriend, who accuses him of playing around since he came so late. You know since there isn't anything like texting or calling in this universe.

She asks him if they could ask Mystica for financial assistance,  but Red is too proud to do that. He then accuses her of not being careful enough with the sex, which is what lead to the pregnancy. I've been sympathizing with the guy ever since I saw him working at Burger Machine, but here he's just an asshole.

The scene then cuts to Troy consulting with his former confidant/bar manager person/whatever for advice. it seems that this guy is the go to person for advice in this movie. A little research shows that he's Donne Tan, who codirected this movie. Troy's confused that Mystica went through a whole fight scene just to reject him for using her. He gives Troy advice and assures him that he will support him.

The scene returns to Red and his girlfriend, or rather lack of girlfriend, as she's nowhere to be found. He finds their child in the care of a neighbor (!) who heard the kid crying. No, she didn't leave him in the neighbor's care, Red's girlfriend left the kid in an unlocked house to fend for himself; the neighbor came along and was concerned.

Any sane person would call the DSWD or something, and Red is really pissed off. Red's girlfriend comes back from a gay bar (in the middle of the day!?) and they get into a fight because she's a bitch that wouldn't take care of their cute kid. Before doing so, however, Red leaves the care of the baby to one of Mystica's talents (who just happens to be the irritated gay person from part 3.)

his name is Michael (!) and he likes backless clothes.

They get into a round of slapping each other and this time Red has a point. Also by the time he slaps her for the third time (done with successive cuts no less) his girlfriend is bleeding from the mouth (!!) the argument ends with him pushing her off and sending her crying, in the worst scene of running off and crying I have seen in the past 15 years. Red then goes into a frenzy, almost stumbling over in the attempt:

I HATE THIS SACK -WHOA-

It also doesn't help that he holds his foot and cries out in pain afterwards.

owowowowowow

The next scene sees Red being accosted by a couple of his old friends who want to invite him to a round of boozing. Red, being the changed man that he is, doesn't want to go along, but his friends insist. Of course, this must only end in violence as Mystica's talents beat these two up just like they did those three dudes earlier.

to be fair, violence does solve a lot of problems.

Cut to a meta scene where Blue (Mystica's adopted son) is practicing acting for something, followed by a dance scene by one of Mystica's groups (the Mystic Groovers?) and now moves to a news clip of one of the most bizarre scenes in the entire seven hour film. 

The clip from a channel 7 news report claims that Mystica healed her (long estranged) husband, suffering from cancer, using only her God-given powers.

uh.... huh....

The film reenacts what happened as Mystica uses her hand to heal him, despite not having much knowledge of anatomy. She asks one point where his lungs are so she can hover her healing hand over them and fill it with healing power. Enervated by this realization that she can HEAL THE SICK, Mystica used her healing powers on other people, like her secretary, and her brother.

Her hypertensive brother complains of having a weird sensation on his scalp while combing his hair, and immediately connects it to a symptom of hypertension. I'm sure this miraculous connection of scalp pain ---> high blood pressure is something only a genius like Dr. House can achieve. As a doctor by profession, I find it a bit, well...

I'm sure Ylvis would ask "what would the duck say?" By now.

His scalp is touched by Mystica and the bad feeling goes away (not sure if he's still hypertensive as he didn't have his blood pressure taken again afterwards.) Why isn't medical science researching this right now!? It's a miracle!!!

After another rant by our heroine during a show with Ali Sotto, a stranger comes into Mystica's house bringing a baby. It turns out that it's Red's kid (!) but it's not the kid that we've been seeing since the start of this hour, it's ANOTHER KID from another woman, who happens to be one of Mystica's former talents!

Mystica hears this woman's story, and rather than showing any hint of skepticism towards the woman and this baby who comes out of nowhere, she accepts the child into her household and hires the woman who brought the baby, who she does not know personally at all, to be the child's nanny. I'm surprised no one has broken into their home or anything by now.

We then cut to Troy singing some videoke song, and some guy trying to sing with him. This guy makes Troy sound like Luciano Pavarotti to be honest, but at least he's not like that asshole from Part 2.

also, Troy has been wearing a shirt for this entire hour. That's progress.

Finally, we get to another dramatic scene. It's... Spicy Facebook!?

so... did Mystica heal her from that pedestrian accident!?

Alas, it's not Spicy Facebook, it's one of Mystica's other talents, namely the mother of the kid that came to Mystica's doorstep minutes earlier. Spicy Facebook doesn't appear anywhere else in a dramatic scene for this film, which means we won't be saying Spicy Facebook's name anymore. That's a sad thing.

This new person (Rosalinda De Amor) wants her kid back, but Mystica's playing hardball. It appears that this person was in Japan trying to raise some moolah for her kid, but somehow the kid found its way to Mystica without her knowing. After some twisted logic they reach an amicable settlement and the kid remains at Mystica's house.

After this is a dream sequence where Troy (now shirtless again) ambushes Mystica in the bathroom, dressed in his getup from the opening credits of the movie. The hue changes sporadically and we see that without makeup, Mystica is a sight to behold. And by 'sight to behold' I mean when you behold the number of wrinkles in your genital wart.

a picture for all our readers using mobile. Note distinct lack of shirt.

 Here's the scene in its entirety for those masochists out there:

Now it's evident from this scene that Mystica is still in love with Troy, and that's going to come into play later. I think.

Mystica then wraps up the hanging storyline with Red and the multiple children popping out of nowhere, coming out of the woodwork and getting into her home: She talks to Red's girlfriend and agrees to support their kid, and she also agrees to support Red's other kid. Red also makes amends with Blue about their fight earlier in Part 3, and Blue wants to introduce his new girlfriend to Red. Case Closed.

The last dramatic scene of the movie occurs with Mystica talking with a friend. It appears that Mystica's foreign boss (unclear if this is Patrick Bernard, but it probably is) has unfriended her on Facebook. ON BOTH HER ACCOUNTS!!! horrors beyond horror. It stems from the fact that she still wants to be involved in showbusiness, and he wants none of that. He also wants to stop Mystica from making this movie (that we are seeing right now - so meta!!) or he'll fire her by December. The financial support from abroad has dried up as well.

She makes the point that he shouldn't judge her by her movie if he hasn't seen it yet - that it's not all about sex scenes. In a way, I take it as her speaking to the audience as well. Don't hate something if you haven't tried it. I'm going to be honest here and say I was entertained by this movie. (Probably not in the way it was meant to entertain, but still entertaining.) Mystica is hella depressed by the end of this conversation.

And with this very meta self reflecting moment, Part 4 ends.

On the penultimate installment of Querido Epic Review... It rhymes with grape and is a bad bad thing! Too much Harlem Shake for my taste!! and... a show within a show!?